The Oshkosh West Index - Grab a gnarly goat; sport a gruesome Grohawk!

Volume 106, Issue 1

Online Features

Grab a gnarly goat; sport a gruesome Grohawk!

By Ali Dullum
posted September 26, 2009

As 7:40 rolled around on September 1, an ocean of students flooded the hallways and classrooms of West. Unfortunately, those very same pupils brought with them an onslaught of hairstyles that had a caliber of hideousness unseen since the glory days of the Regan-era rattail, or since the ozone destroying terror of the 1980's, the only time in American history when a woman of 5'4" could gain three inches with nothing but a can of Aqua Net hairspray. The current abhorrent trend infesting the scalps of the school is the disgusting 'Grohawk', more commonly known as a 'fro-hawk'.

In layman's terms, a Grohawk is the cop-out version of a Mohawk. It consists of a buzzed head with a malicious, tumor-like, and slightly longer cropping of hair directly atop the cranium. It proceeds in a strip all the way to the back, reaching the nape of the neck. This trend's despicable popularization seems to have its roots in the punk subculture, where the Mohawk, named after the Mohawk Indians who first sported the 'do, currently is and has been an acceptable form of hair wear. Unlike the Grohawk, the Mohawk is longer at the skull's crest and is generally a considerably better hairstyle.

The dilemma with the Grohawk, which was popularized circa 2007 by the University of Florida's football team, is that it appears to be a cheap knock-off, created by someone who is clearly incapable of properly shaving his head; a staple of the subculture's fashion and an act of defiance. Due to the fact that the demographics which endorse the Grohawk do not understand and tend to scorn the culture from which it was derived, the wearers of the abominable trend come off as arrogant and hypocritical.

Furthermore, the Grohawk is simply not flattering on anyone. Apart from making the wearer's head resemble a cross-section from a Christmas ham, it also creates an appearance of unkemptness. Due to the fact that a Grohawk bears resemblance to consumption of grass by a blind, three legged goat that clearly has no dental plan, it just never quite looks acceptable. A hairstyle of such barbaric proportions has no reason to look suitable, either.

Moreover, this macabre assault on decency in the world of hair prevents the wearer from ever having even a microscopic chance of looking professional. It seems that many places would turn away such a loathsome style, for fear of lost business and reputation. The Grohawk wearer simply serves as an encumbrance of civility in the workplace, as well as any other public location visible to an unblind eye.

Additionally, the Grohawk is distasteful because it casts the image that one is either unaware of proper grooming habits, or finds enjoyment in obsessively sprinkling Miracle Grow over a strip of scalp. The Grohawk projects an attempt to cast a rebellious image, an attempt which fails epically.

With any luck, this atrocious trend will sink down into the sands of Father Time's hourglass and free West students eyes' from further suffering. Those who sport the shockingly gruesome Grohawk need to return to the normal, appropriate buzz cuts of yesteryear and leave the –hawk trend to the citizens who can properly sport them.

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